Restless sleep

Last night I had a very restless sleep. My body felt like stone in fire almost. I was starting to wonder let us see if thous damned ants is going to start to to grawl under my skin again. That is how it feels to get a panic attack. It hapens if I get anxious or to worried that i become anxious.
When I woke up first thing that came up in my head was Sam...Sam is not his real name but close enough so we can call him Sam. My friends howevere knows his real aka and also his real name. However I thought of him when i woke up from that restless sleep. I was wondering why I had so restless sleep that nigh and I was wondering...I hope nothing has hapend him. I hope he is ok in America where he has went to reaserch. I try to not think of it but can´t help that after that restless sleep I am a bit worried that something awfull has hapend him. Or is it my hamster that makes me get restles sleep because she is ill and worried about her! I have not got eny vet on the phone this 2 weeks now. I need to find a vet soon. But I am pretty sure of what the outcome will bee. They will recomend to put her to death. If that is the case I wish I had Sam beside me as a suport. I have seen once when they had to put one of my hamsters to death that I had meny years ago. And that was a horrible sight.. A huge nidle was pit under the hamsters skin in his belly. airubles came out from his mouth and nose before he died. It was AWFUL.
I was looking at Sams picture the other day and my heart started to beat fast, screaming his name. I love him so incredible much! And god I miss him so incredible much...

Anoying flyes

I am so darn tired of this pests! This flyes in here is realy starting to get on my nerves! Yesturday night I was so tired! Went to bed and though that I finaly will get some well earned sleep after almost two weeks long insomnia suffering. But no, of cause that one darned fly had to come and tickle me! I thought I was going to get insane. I wanted to get up to kill that fly but I simply was to exhosted. So I covered my head with the blanket and made a tiny breathing hole. But do not you think that the darned fly found that hole and came an tickle my nose! I was almost near to start to cry! I was so exhosted that I thought I was going to die! I only slept 4 hours this night thanks to that fly. When I got to the day centre where I go for terapy for my PTSD I drank a cup of tea. In the afternoon I went to see the dr to get a referral to a daycentre in Turku and to get a new recipie for Buspar that I take for my anxiety. He was also going to fix some papers so I get some attendance money. Since I suffer from bad PTSD and is incapable to work because I can not handle stress i get disability benefits. So little extra cash is allways good. Last week I signed a paper for housing money. I have also ordered internet conection to the adress where I am moving to. So that I have it when I get there. It has been pretty much to do to make sure everything is don and taken care of before I move to Turku. I need to ask people when I get to Turku if they know of eny secondhand shop. So that I could get some cheap furnitures and other stuff I might need. But that is that days worries! Right now there is still packing to do. I will move to Turku friday the 3rd of July or Wednesday the 8th of July! Then I will finaly find peace!

Awfully cold Jun

This past few days have been awfully cold to bee Jun. It is unbealivable when I last checked it was only 11 degrees. You even feel cold inside. I would realy like to bee where it is warm now. How on earth will I ever bee able to go and swim if it does not get warmer soon. Feels almost like middle of winter! What joke is this!? Bombina has gotten swollen belly now and she is still ill. I wonder if she has infected uterus or cancer! When i see her swollen belly it breaks my heart and I could start to cry! I love her so much. She is such a sweet little hamster. I do not want my girl to suffer! Then I start to suffer! Darn vet she just seem to not ansver when I call her. Like she is on weekation and do not want to take eny calls. But...I am afraid what out come it will bee. I am sure that they will recomend to put her to death! I can not handle to see that once again. I saw that once and I was horrifyed when I saw the huge nidle and be put inside hamster males skin under his belly! It was awfull to see. And when airbubbles came out from its mouth....awfull it was just to awfull. I could not watch that once again. Bombina do move around and eat,drink and doing her other needs as she should. But her belly just gets more swollen by day! Day by day my worst fear comes closer...The fear of having her to bee put to death.....